Wake up

Heavy trigger warning for sexual violence

This was originally written on April 28, 2024. Notably, this was written before I had testified in court. I had originally decided not to report what had happened to me; just like thousands of people before me. However, I gained the courage and strength one day to report it. Unexpectedly, I was believed. My perpeatrator had already been found guilty of sexual assault.

This poem is about the rape itself and the way I felt during and after. It focuses on my emotions during and after, the betrayal I felt, and my desire to persevere against the odds.

Wake Up

here i am, hair cut short
teeth ground down, known victim number 4
scars on my arms have barely begun to heal
emotional baggage from the airport of appeals
lonely is my middle name, i type out a plea
to find someone similar, a comrade i see
throwing myself down an unexpected hole
is this what it means to truly be full?

it’s time to wake up

he shoves acid down my throat 
and i can’t control anything anymore
the drugs tie me down, the chains i can’t undo
he plunges into me, the pain i fight through
Tears spill from my eyes- I wish it would stop
he spills his seed and I want to rot

how do i get through this
i have to get through this
even if it means i fight
i don’t want to remember this night

a crusty mattress on the floor, with no clothes i awake
something doesn’t feel right, something’s at stake
my right hand is gripping him, he wants to cum
he doesn’t know i’m awake, the world is glum
i’m paralyzed by fear, i pretend to sleep
even after the drugs, i know this isn’t a dream

please, please, fight back
i have to get through this
i didn’t sign up for this
SO WHY CAN’T I JUST WAKE UP?

and i don’t report it to the police, i don’t understand it myself
why someone who claimed this happened to himself
and after all the pain it caused him
why did he do it to me?

please wake up
i have to wake up

my pelvis is sore, his seed leaks,
each step is a reminder of his misdeeds
and i bury it down, like nothing happened
i can’t afford to lose everything again

I have to fight through this
I have to overcome
I need to find the strength from within
TO SAVE MYSELF THIS TIME

the concept of justice seems so far away
and the last day of innocence was just yesterday
even when i leave, i know it’s far from over
but something inside me wants to fight for more

one day, i’ll wake up
and the world will right itself once again