Freaking Out

Written at the end of November 2023, this poem was written just before I chose to report my assailant’s crimes against me. The title of the poem comes from the FKA Rayne song called Kill Me Now, specifically the lyrics “I’m sort of freaking out,” as that described my mental state at the time of writing.

every day feels less real
as i sink into the ethereal
anything’s possible here,
i have become my worst fear

and as i stand, alone, i think
“did i deserve any of this?”
and as I watch the cars go by, face turning pink
my hands grab my sweater sleeves, forming fists
I feel the pain wash over me, overwhelmingly
and i remember my tendencies
as the memories return, taking me away
stealing me further away from the fray
I hold my breath, trying not to freak
but all my opportunities seem bleak

nothing’s able to erase my sense of shame
god, i’m such a virgo, it’s insane
always looking for someone to heal,
but never being able to feel
Freaking out, crying, screaming, avoiding 
anything to make the memories stop
and to make the universe stop hating me