I know why I can’t sleep at night

Heavy trigger warning for sexual violence

This poem was written back in May 2023. After I was assaulted, numbing what happened to me became my coping mechanism. As 2023 progressed, I began to remember what happened, piece by piece. It was almost more traumatic because I didn’t know how to handle all those repressed memories coming back.

In late April 2023, I broke my foot. While it wasn’t a severe break and my recovery was quite swift, something happened to me- I lost my ability to sleep at night.

Perhaps it was my inability to run away if something did happen in my sleep. Or maybe it was the fact that part of my assault happened after I had fallen asleeep. Either way, it was very arduous for me to lay in bed for hours to try and sleep.

i know why i can’t sleep at night
it’s because I woke up
to him raping me, rubbing his dick against me
what did he do to me; I will never know
drugs impair my memory and 
no one ever believes me 

i cannot sleep anymore
i must be paralyzed by fear
 Melatonin, Benadryl, Magnesium, nothing helps
His words taunt me,
haunt me,
and I don’t know who I am

I know why i can’t sleep at night
Nothing works, I lie there restless, hoping for a miracle
Praying, crying, sobbing, just hoping for a respite
When was the last time I had adequate rest? 
It feels like forever

I’m begging
Please make it go away
Let me undo it, let me change my actions so I can 
save myself from the daunting
memories of his haunting,
I’m begging, I’m pleading, I’m bleeding,
I am horrified.
He is nothing more than a
horrible person who takes advantage of the girls he haunts

 but I will PERSEVERE
i won’t let him change who I am.
I will stay strong, I’ll hold my chin up high,
until the day, I see him breathe his last breath
I’ll keep holding on, and never
let him haunt me again.

Never never never never never never never never never never will I let him haunt me again

I promise

At the time of writing this poem, I had 0 plans of reporting what had happened to me. I didn’t want to. Simple as that. 

And spoiler alert? It has haunted me. I can’t go a day without thinking about it. It’s really messed up.