First Day of Freedom

This poem was written in Autumn 2024, the day after my assailant was found guilty in a court of law for his crimes against me. It filled me with a sense of relief, and yet, it didn’t seem to provide me with the much-needed closure I desired at that period of time.

This poem describes the underwhelming moment I found out my assailant was found guilty. It describes the mild sense of relief I felt, but also the lack of fulfillment I felt. Perhaps I knew what would happen next

Trigger warning for mentions of sexual violence

today’s my first day of freedom
recovering from the pain you caused me
i thought it would be more enthralling 
but it’s not

today’s your first day of being convicted
now you’re a rapist in the eyes of the law
i thought it would be more fulfilling
but it’s not

and all the effort that it took to get me here
all the tears i cried, all the words i spoke
all the letters i sent, all the songs i wrote
they’re unneeded now.
i’m finally done 

it was a brutal process
they cut my metaphorical abdomen
open with a scalpel
so all my guts would spill out, 
i was lucky enough to be able
to arrange them in the order
that benefited justice the most

and you can go on now
and deny what you have been convicted of
but nothing will change the truth
nothing will change what you’ve done
because for the first time
i’ve won

go on and deny reality
preach your gospel, delude your peers 
you’re not even good enough
to be called a false deity 
because
scum is all that you are

and as i lay here as the victor
my head spins like the 
ceiling fan, making the air crisp
Is this really it? Is this what it means to win for once?

because i thought winning would have been more exciting
but at least i’m victorious.