Cigarettes

Heavy trigger warning for sexual violence

The person that assaulted me was heavily addicted to cigarettes. It was disgusting, honestly. I went through a brief phase of smoking a cigarette a day, which I’m lucky didn’t escalate to further addiction. I absolutely despised the way they made me smell and yet, it was a small comfort.

His dwelling was absolutely filthy. He never cleaned up after himself. The floor was covered in grime unknown and I refused to take my shoes off when I entered due to how disgusting it all was. That’s referenced in this poem.

This poem was originally written in May 2024, prior to my court experience.

when i was a child, i was told not to smoke
“it’ll blacken your lungs, you’ll cough and choke”
the room smelt of cigarettes, more filth than floor
my shoes stayed on, still my clothes did not

the smell clings to my fingers as I light one more
the nicotine awakens a hope that was lost before
just for a second, the memories are gone
my heart pounds, fingers twitch, and now it’s dawn

“cigarettes cause impotence”
and i wish for a second it had
‘cause i wouldn’t be here
 if the one you smoked did

just like the smoke, the memories cling
the ashes fall, only the end remains
if only i had known what the smoke would bring
you, i would have refrained

looking at me, they can see a wreck
a girl whose been haunted, one that’s a mess
my hair grows longer, memories more than a speck
and honestly, your crimes, i wish you’d confess

“poison in every puff”
and i hope that it will
we’re all going to die anyways
why not make it come soon?

and maybe tomorrow, i’ll lock the pack away
i’ve only been smoking one cigarette a day
i could make it less, i could make it more
and sometimes, the stench is what i adore

“cigarettes damage your organs”
so does trauma, rape, and stress
i’m not justifying; only stating fact
i know i’ll live through this, intact

child me would be mortified if this was what she saw
pre-covid me would look at this all in awe
all the wishing in the world won’t bring the past back
the only way we can move is forward