february hell

If there was one thing that this February taught me, it was that hell is here, waiting with an open mouth, waiting to feast upon me in any moment of vulnerability.

I’ve been in all sorts of pain this month; physical, spiritual, and emotional.

Early on in the month, after a comment about urgent care from a coworker, I thought “hey, maybe I should get my foot checked out,” subsequently got diagnosed with an infection (which later turned out to be two types of staph bacteria), went back to urgent care twice after that because the antibiotics weren’t working and dealt with many pleasant antibiotic side effects. The first antibiotic that I was on left me so sick, I kept a garbage bag next to my bed in case I had to throw up in the middle of the night. Thankfully, that antibiotic did not work, so I ended up on another one. Still, it wasn’t fun dealing with all the side effects. I was constantly itchy for a hot minute and my mouth tasted like I had consumed coins for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Not too long after, I found out that the man that has caused me magnitudes of agony and revulsion just got released from prison. He was serving an 8 month sentence for sexual assault (we love Canadian sentencing guidelines) and managed to get released after serving just five months. That devastated me like nothing else. 

Behind the scenes, my friend group was beginning to fracture and falter, the cracks which were all but invisible to me. I have been isolating myself from everyone since August, part of why I started writing here; my pain is too intense for anyone to notice. Besides, everyone else has problems of their own and I’d hate to open up to them about the pain I’ve been facing. 

Behind the scenes, a certain person (we’ll call her Kristina) had been lying extensively to everyone in the group. People in the group were beginning to realize that she had completely fabricated a story about me ‘groping her fiance’ back at her birthday several months ago. I didn’t want to believe that Kristina had lied about such a thing, because that’s not the type of thing I’d ever lie about personally, but the whole intricacies of that situation are too complex to get into now. It drove me apart from everyone in my friend group until I was ostracized. I can’t blame them though; I wouldn’t want to be around someone who allegedly did something like that. Even if they did profess their innocence. Until now, my innocence was too far-fetched for anyone to believe. 

In the middle of the month, I went down to the mountains with one of my best friends who revealed all of her troubles with Kristina, including telling me all about Kristina’s grudge against me, likely because I went on two dates with her fiance back in 2021. This included Kristina purposely excluding me from plans. I could go on and on and air out Kristina’s dirty laundry here, but no one wants to hear that. But for many of us, Kristina was on her last straw. For me, the damage was irreparable and I began to cut ties with Kristina all together, slowly removing her as a friend from all my social media accounts.

While vacationing in the mountains, my car began to malfunction and my engine began to overheat. Mind you, it was literally -20 degrees celsius out, so I thought there was a sensor issue with my car. Spoiler alert: it was not a sensor issue- my antifreeze was literally pouring out of my car. The only reason my car did not break down on the highway was because it was so damn cold out. My friend and I made it back to our hotel okay that night. In an attempt to troubleshoot what was wrong with my car, I called one of my close friends, who concluded that it was likely an issue with the coolant/anti-freeze.

The next morning, I picked up some antifreeze, poured it in my car, thinking the issue was solved. We pulled up to a Tim Horton’s, had some breakfast, and then when I was just about to leave the parking lot, another driver ran the stop sign and t-boned my car on the passenger side. I would have been more upset with them for running the stop sign if the stop sign was not a) heavily vandalized and b) two feet off the ground and c) I watched three other people run the same goddamn stop sign. The other driver (and who I assume was his partner) were also on vacation, travelling all the way from South Korea to the mountains of Alberta.

No one ever prepares you for the anxiety of your first car accident, especially trying to communicate with a profound language barrier. I felt really bad for them because it was clear they were struggling to communicate. A call to the RCMP later (the damage was over $5,000) and a trip to the police station, they asked me if I wanted them to issue a ticket; I declined– I don’t even know what they’d issue a ticket for. 

After the RCMP, I made a call to my car insurance, which took a lot of energy right out of me. My friend began to feel unwell (and honestly so did I), so we made a detour to the emergency room. Despite putting on my police report that I did not plan to seek medical attention, I began to realize that I probably shouldn’t just ‘walk this one off’. 

The ER we went to was really nice and unpopulated, likely because it was rural. It marked the fourth time I went to seek medical attention this month. They diagnosed me with a neck strain and my friend with soft tissue injuries. At this point in time, Kristina began asking everyone in the group chat if we wanted to see her wedding outfit. I said “No” and explained exactly why no one wanted to see it, explaining that we had just been in a car accident and had other more important things to focus on. Kristina was not impressed with this and began getting really upset with my friend and I to the point where she cussed my friend out for ‘taking my side’. The fall out was so severe that there has been RCMP involvement. I’m very lucky that I jumped ship when I did, otherwise I think the backspray would have been worse on my end.

I have been diagnosed with Grade II Whiplash subsequently, Kristina has been banished from our friend group, and my therapist has quit her job. I feel absolutely isolated right now, it’s not even funny. I’m in excruciating pain, with my whiplash and my friend, who was on the passenger side, is in worse shape than I am. I feel incredibly guilty for letting her be injured in this way, even though insurance has said that I am 0% at fault for this accident. 

This February has been hell. I’m hoping March will be better.